Cassie Bustamante

living an ordinary life extraordinarily

Navigation
  • home
  • about me
  • home tour
  • project gallery
  • shop my home
  • Let’s Collaborate

Rerouting: Life, Miscarriage, and Uncertainty

March 21, 2017 by Cassie 137 Comments

1Pinterest184FacebookTwitter
185
SHARES

Good evening, guys!  Today is going to be one of those days where I lay it all out there and spill my guts to you.  There has been so much going on here behind the scenes at casa Bustamante over the last year, and I waited and waited to share, waiting so that I’d have a post with something exciting to say.  At this point, I don’t know if that day will come, so I thought I would fill you in on life and why I may seem slightly disconnected.  Last weekend I was lucky enough to get away to Seabrook, SC with a few of my close girlfriends I’ve met through blogging: Kelly, Diane, and Laura.  As we were driving along into Charleston one day, I was playing the role of navigator using my google maps app.  The app lost sight of where we were for a moment and got stuck on the screen that just spins and spins while it reads “Rerouting.”  There’s nothing worse than driving along unsure of where you’re going when that screen pops up and you miss a turn because it didn’t give you clear directions in time.  I started to think about that feeling of being immovable, at a loss, while waiting for the rerouted path to appear.  That is exactly how I feel right now.

Pin

Photos in this post inserted just to give you something to look at

Let me backtrack and tell you how I came to be here, waiting for my app to tell me which direction to go.  Hold on tight, because this is a long and meandering story, and I am sure it will come as a surprise to many.

One year ago, I had a crazy vivid dream about Chris having an affair and leaving me for a young woman he met at work.  Of course all of his coworkers knew about it, and I was the last one to know.  Our marriage ended and he went on to his happily ever after with this other woman.  If you know Chris in real life, you know that this dream truly is utterly ridiculous, but we can’t help the stories our subconscious creates.  I awoke from that dream furious and hurt… he didn’t understand what he had done.  That dream is what sparked some very deep, intimate conversations between us and brought us closer together.  It allowed us to be more open and honest with our feelings.  I dug deep into my own emotions, and I realized that I wanted another baby.  We’d decided in the past that we were good with two kids, although I was never as certain as he was.  I approached Chris with this thought, and he was shocked, but open to considering.

Family Photos- Christ with KidsPin

As we worked together to build our chicken coop last year, while nailing away at the boards, we talked and talked.  That project gave us several hours together to allow deep conversations.  I told him that I knew I would never regret having another child in our lives, but I would regret never having had the chance to do it; and that if it didn’t work out, I was going to be OK with it knowing we had tried and there’d be no regrets.  I was not ever going to go down the path of fertility treatments… I was 37 then (38 now), and I realize the risks involved and don’t want to put myself through any of that.  On the flip side, Chris was worried he would become bitter towards me for asking him for another child.  Clearly, it’s a big decision and there were a lot of facets to our discussion, which is why it dragged on for a couple of months.

Memorial Day weekend arrived, and we had a wonderful time, wrapping up the coop project, grilling outside, and hanging out as a family.  Monday night of that holiday weekend we sat out at the fire pit with beer and S’mores; the kids tossed a frisbee while we sat at the fire. When Sawyer and Emmy were safely out of ear shot, Chris turned to me and said, “OK.  I am going to give you what you want.”

Being me, I made a joke of it and laughed and said, “Right here and right now?  I don’t know if that’s a good idea!”

June came, and I headed to the beach with the kids, leaving Chris behind as he had to work.  During my week at the beach I had what I thought was my period, but it was lighter than normal.  Upon returning home, I realized that after my period had passed, my breasts were tender still.  I took a test and sure enough, it was positive!  Chris and I congratulated ourselves on being so good that it worked on our first try.  “High fives all around!  We are that good!”

A few days after that positive test, I started to spot.  I called the doctor and they were not concerned at all, as that can be normal.  However, with Sawyer and Emmy I had never spotted or bled at all, so I was a little more apprehensive.  A day later, blood was flowing a bit heavier, and I knew what was happening.  I was in shock, and paralyzed by the reality.  I had never had a miscarriage.  “This does not happen to me,” I thought.  It was summertime, so I was home with the kids while all of this was happening, and yet they had no idea.  I pretended everything was OK for them, crying in the bathroom and hiding my tears, arranging playdates with friends who knew and offered to take them so that I could be alone.

After that, I decided that I needed to be a little more relaxed about my exercise and eating.  I’m usually very health conscious, and was running 5-8 miles a day about 4-5 times a week then.  I cut back drastically, eased up on healthier eating, and allowed myself more ice cream… because I thought maybe if I fattened up a teeny bit it would help, and frankly I was sad and wanted to ease my pain with pints of goodness.

Months went by and we continued to try, but with no luck.  I will say though, that this time has been tremendous for our marriage (and not because of the ways you are thinking right now!).  We’ve learned to communicate so much better, and we lean on each other more than we did in the past.  We’re more willing to be vulnerable in front of one another (and if I am being honest, that’s me… I don’t always talk about feelings very well with men in general, but this has made it easier for me to let my guard down.)

Family Photos- Me & ChrisPin

Had I not miscarried, I would have been due in February.  People had told me that when that month arrived, it would be hard for me, but I just didn’t believe them.  February 1 came, and I had a complete and utter meltdown that day after the kids went to school.  I just cried and cried for a good 30 minutes solid.  I took a shower hoping it would calm me down, but instead just sobbed through the whole shower.  I felt a bit like Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give.  I decided it was weighing on me too much and I needed to tell the kids.  They deserved to know why sometimes Mom was really sad, and sometimes too quick to anger, and were old enough to understand.

Family Photos- Kids on SwingsPin

One evening after dinner, I sat them down at the kitchen island and I told them everything.  At the beginning of the story, they lit up, thinking I was about to tell them I was pregnant.  As I continued, they realized the truth of the matter.  Emmy’s eyes became glassy, and Sawyer cried big hard tears, got up off his stool, hugged me and told me how much he loved me.  He was also upset that we had waited so long to tell them.  Sawyer told me, in his own words, that he was “just so sad for our loss.”  It struck me how deeply he felt it and owned it, too.  After the tears faded, I told them that we were still trying, and they rejoiced!  Quickly, they started shouting out all of the things they’d teach a little brother or sister, and they began making a list of names.  As for me, I felt like a weight had been lifted in telling them, and I was even more excited to see their joy at the prospect.

A couple of weeks passed, and once again I had what seemed like a light period, but I could tell that something was off.  I took a test, and it was faintly positive.  The next day I took another and it was glaringly so.  I called Chris at work, ecstatic about it!  In that moment, I was certain that because I had told the kids and a weight had been lifted, my body was more relaxed and the universe had allowed it to happen.  However, the next day I started to spot again.  It remained light for a couple of days, coming and going, and I held on to hope.  That Thursday, Chris and I boarded out plane to Seattle, with a quick layover in St. Louis.  As always at a layover, I had to use the bathroom.  I ran in, and what I saw shocked me.  I knew it could happen, but I was not mentally prepared for the amount of blood I saw.  I was also not prepared to handle it, and had left my purse with Chris and had no quarters for the restroom convenience machine.  I walked out of the bathroom to the airport walkway with tears in my eyes and tried to hold it together as I gave Chris a slight shake of my head to let him know and asked for a quarter.  Talk about feeling vulnerable and raw… standing in the middle of a crowded airport while life is bustling on all around you, yet dying inside of you… there’s not a word in our language to describe it.

Seattle was a very welcome distraction.  Obviously, the miscarriage put a damper on our “romantic” getaway, but I was glad to be with Chris, away from the day to day, and in such a fantastic city.  Despite everything, I truly loved our weekend there, and fell in love with the Pacific Northwest.

Pin

However, when we returned home, reality was awaiting me.  Tuesday my kids went to school, and I found myself unable to function.  I stayed in my pajamas all day and allowed myself to cry.  It was easier this time than the first because I think a part of me expected it to happen.  The first time I was sure that miscarriages don’t happen to me, so it was harder to believe.  Later that week I went to the doctor, of course, and she was kind and patient and listened.  She suggested that if we try again, I call as soon as I have a positive test and get put on progesterone.

IF.  The big “if.”  At this point, I am not really certain of what I will do.  Sawyer and Emmy are team “try again!”  Chris tells me that he will support whatever I decide.  And as for me, I am not sure.  I am stuck, rerouting.

I am uncertain of what is next for me.  I’ve also gained 10 pounds throughout this process, so am currently working on taking that off!  Currently as in just started yesterday, so wish me luck. 😉 I am not sure if we will try again, and if we do if we’ll be successful.  And if we don’t, then what?  What will I do with that temporary guest room? Where do I go from here?  Do I get a job?  If so, what? What am I good at that I see a need for in the world?  These are all questions I’ve been asking myself. With a 10 hour car ride each way to and from South Carolina by myself, I had loads of time to ponder.  I don’t have any answers yet.  Nothing is certain, but I am keeping all options open, not closing any doors, and welcoming any cracked windows.

Profile1Pin

Related

Filed Under: Me

Subscribe for Email Updates!

« Book Reports: Lone Wolf, Slightly South of Simple, One Plus One
Project Design Entry: Making the Most of a Tiny Cape Cod Foyer with New Lighting »

Comments

  1. Ariel says

    March 21, 2017 at 4:50 pm

    The magic about the rerouting period, is that it always gives you the direction in the end.
    Hold in there! Things tend to sort themselves out in mysterious ways. Have you thought about adoption? or fostering?
    Either way, so glad you have such a supporting partner through all of this.
    Much love from Canada!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:38 pm

      we have talked a little about it, but it scares me… so much uncertainty. not ruled out, just not sure. and yes, i am lucky. even if i got home from my trip tired and stressed out and yelled at him when i shouldn’t have, i really love that guy.

      Reply
  2. Kirby says

    March 21, 2017 at 4:57 pm

    I am so sorry, LC. You should have called, as I’ve been there and while I can’t help other than to lend an ear, I am a good listener.
    I am rerouting too…I can retire in December, but what will I do next? (Another child is not an option.)
    Either way, I know you will do great things! I, for one, am excited to see what you will do next!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:37 pm

      thank you so much, kirby! we can reroute together and i know we have great things on the road ahead of us.

      Reply
  3. Kelly Elko says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    I’m glad we could hang out and talk Cassie. I hope it helped even just a small bit to make you feel better! Whatever life brings you, I know you’ll accomplish everything you wish for!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:36 pm

      i am, too!!!! thank you for your friendship and encouragement as always… sweet friend. you rock.

      Reply
  4. [email protected] says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:04 pm

    You know that my heart goes out to you and that I hope you will find your path. I’m still looking myself. I hope you won’t quit your blog though even if you do work somewhere else

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:35 pm

      i doubt i will but i have no idea what the future holds! and you know i appreciate your friendship so much!

      Reply
  5. Kelly @ View Along the Way says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    I’m so sorry friend. I’ve been thinking about you so much since we talked last. I’m just heartbroken for the loss of your sweet babies and hope you give yourself full permission to grieve them – for as long as it takes with no timeline. Praying for direction, answers and joy for you, Chris and the kids. <3 I'm always here if you need to chat, and have a guest room with your name on it if you need to get away!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:34 pm

      thank you so much, kelly- i appreciate it!!!! XOXO can’t wait to book my stay one of these days!

      Reply
  6. Renee says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:13 pm

    Tearing up when I read this. I hope your road leads to exactly where you want to be; it’s tough rerouting, but prayers are with you and your family from this family.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:34 pm

      thank you so much, renee. i appreciate it! i know it will be clear one day. 🙂

      Reply
  7. [email protected] says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:22 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing Cassie, and I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through all of this. I know that when it came to having a third child, for me, it was like an itch that I had to scratch. I didn’t feel “done”, and it was a feeling that I just couldn’t shake (even though the boys were a little older before we were ready to make the leap back into babyhood). I know you’ll be able to work your way through all of this and come to peace with whatever God has in store for you, whether it involves a third child or not. Hang in there friend, and thanks for putting it all out there. I know that writing it down has always been therapeutic for me. 🙂

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      exactly… who knows what is in store for any of us, right?

      Reply
  8. [email protected] says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    P.S. – I got all teary at how your kiddos reacted to everything. You have some great kids there – you’ve raised them to be so sweet and compassionate. The world needs more of that. 🙂

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      they drive me bonkers sometimes, but they have heart. that’s for sure.

      Reply
    • Amber says

      March 21, 2017 at 9:14 pm

      Yes! Me, too! Cassie, I love you, friend. Praying for all of you.

      Reply
      • Cassie says

        March 22, 2017 at 2:00 pm

        you are rerouting, too or going through miscarriages? either way, i am sorry you’re going through it, and i know we can get through it together!

        Reply
        • Amber says

          March 22, 2017 at 3:06 pm

          Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry! Someone else said exactly what I was going to say (they got teary at what your kids said!) so I replied to their comment with me, too. Please forgive me! My heart breaks for you, friend.

          Reply
  9. [email protected] says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:30 pm

    I’m so sorry, Cassie. I can imagine how scary it is to think about trying again and the possibility of another loss. Wishing you clarity and peace as you decide what comes next!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:32 pm

      thank you so much, gretchen. XOXO

      Reply
  10. Jaime Costiglio says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    Oh Cassie thank you for sharing. Times like these I say do what feels best in your gut even if that means binge watching 4 seasons. You’ll be back onto what you love in due time but it truly is a roller coaster. Go easy on yourself and enjoy life.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:32 pm

      my gut did what it wanted and i gained 10 pounds. 😉 thank you so much, jaime.

      Reply
  11. Sonya~athomewiththebarkers says

    March 21, 2017 at 5:36 pm

    Oh, sweet friend, I’m truly sorry. I know the emotional pain of miscarriage and my heart goes out to you. Praying for comfort and guidance. ~Sonya

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:31 pm

      thank you so much, sonya. likewise, i am so sorry for your loss. i appreciate your prayers!

      Reply
  12. Haley says

    March 21, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    Sorry for your loss, friend! Praying for you while you’re ‘rerouting’.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:30 pm

      thank you so much, haley! i appreciate it!

      Reply
  13. Sarah says

    March 21, 2017 at 6:03 pm

    Cassie, thank you for sharing your raw personal story! Sending you lots of love & prayers! So many people go through this but don’t talk about it. You’re blessed with a wonderful loving family who is there to support you! Xoxo, Sarah

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 6:30 pm

      i figured maybe it would help at least one person to put it out there. XOXO

      Reply
  14. Colleen says

    March 21, 2017 at 6:47 pm

    I admire the honesty with which you share this, but I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope whatever path you take includes writing, because you have a talent. Your story made me laugh and cry. Those kids sound like such sweethearts! Hugs to you and your whole family.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      thank you so much, colleen! they really are… they drive me batty but i love them so much! 😉

      Reply
  15. Amber says

    March 21, 2017 at 7:02 pm

    I’m so sorry Cassie! My heart is heavy for you and the whole family! I’ll be praying for you and clarity in every aspect of your life right now. Love you!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 21, 2017 at 7:18 pm

      thank you so much, amber! love you right back! XOXO

      Reply
  16. [email protected] says

    March 21, 2017 at 7:22 pm

    So so sorry for your losses. It’s such a struggle to deal with. I miscarried like this the month before we got pregnant with Mara. I tried for months to write it off as “too early to count” but it did and it hurts. Sending you virtual hugs friend!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:06 pm

      thank you so much, ashley- i am so sorry for your loss as well. XOXO

      Reply
  17. Laura says

    March 21, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    You are AMAZING…really you are! Whatever path you decide to conquer as you are being rerouted will be an exciting adventure. Follow your heart Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart. You are a real gem

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:05 pm

      thank you so much, laura. you know i feel the same about you!

      Reply
  18. Bliss says

    March 21, 2017 at 7:33 pm

    Well….lots I could say, but you know I don’t pour it out in comment sections. However, last child was a surprise, big surprise at 40 with 5 years between he and the next. He was one in a set of twins, the twin was lost at about 3 months but they didnt first know it was twins so told me I was miscarrying. Imagine my surprise to find out I was still pregnant. I was rerouted at 40, and so happy I was.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:04 pm

      thank you for sharing, bliss. i am so sorry you lost one of your babies in that set, but what an awesome surprise to find out you had a fighter in there.

      Reply
  19. Deb Owen says

    March 21, 2017 at 7:35 pm

    I am so very sorry. It is something very few people are comfortable with, but as someone who has been through it 3 times, I hate that it often isn’t acknowledged as the great loss that it is. Time will ease the pain, but those angel babies are never far from your heart. I’m saying prayers for you to find your path and peace.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:03 pm

      thank you so much, deb. i am so sorry you’ve been there, too.

      Reply
  20. Kim says

    March 21, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    My friend, I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s so brace to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable and raw. But I know that it will make someone feel less alone. Whatever you decide, may you feel peace with the decision. Many hugs, my friend.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:03 pm

      thank you so much, kim. i appreciate it. XOXO

      Reply
  21. Lisa Vinograd says

    March 21, 2017 at 8:32 pm

    Love you xxooo You are so strong.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:02 pm

      love you right back! XOXO

      Reply
  22. monica says

    March 21, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    Thank you for sharing, I have been where you are and all I can say is patience and hope.

    (As far as your actual rerouting issues 🙂 I ALWAYS have a real map in the car! I am so afraid my kids and their entire generation will have no idea that real maps even exist!)

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      thank you, monica. and yes, i suppose an atlas is always a good idea!

      Reply
  23. Jessica | House Homemade says

    March 21, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    So sweet of you to share. It’s a blessing to others. I pray you find peace in whatever comes. : )

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      thank you so much, jessica.

      Reply
  24. Lisa | Shine Your Light says

    March 21, 2017 at 9:17 pm

    Oh Cassie, I am so sorry for your suffering. Sometimes it’s so hard to understand the whys in life isn’t it? Thinking of you in this difficult time. You are surrounded by friends who love you (in real life I’m sure and also our little online community!) and understand your heartache. Peace and love to you my friend. XO

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      thank you so much, lisa. i appreciate your support and friendship.

      Reply
  25. Lisa Capasso says

    March 21, 2017 at 9:41 pm

    I’m sorry for your losses, Cassie. Hugs, and I hope you find peace for whatever the journey brings.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      thank you so much, lisa!

      Reply
  26. Vidya @ Whats Ur Home Story says

    March 21, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    Oh Cassie. Had no idea. So sorry that you are going through this. Do let yourself grieve for your sweet babies. That helps a lot. It has been 15 years since mine and to this day there are many times that I think about what would have been. Things will eventually play out it’s course. Praying for you while you are figuring out this re-routing thing.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:58 pm

      thank you so much, vidya… i appreciate it and am so sorry that you went through it, too.

      Reply
  27. Katja - A Home for Design says

    March 21, 2017 at 10:05 pm

    I am so sorry Cassie! I could just feel how sad you were in Seattle. Big hugs my friend!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:56 pm

      thank you so much, katja…. you are a true friend!

      Reply
  28. Anna-Ruth Taynton says

    March 21, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    Sending you love and prayers, Cassie… so sorry for you losses… holes in your heart, actually. I lost a baby at 20 weeks after having two healthy babies… Luckily, after many scary nights during another pregnancy (at 37) my third Carty was born. Carty is now 16 and a total blessing. She has a sweet spirit, just like your two beautiful children. Thanks for sharing such a personal time with us. I wish you peace, strength and healing ?

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:56 pm

      thank you so much, anna-ruth. i am so sorry that you went though what you did, but your story gives me hope.

      Reply
  29. kristin salazar says

    March 21, 2017 at 10:52 pm

    I am so incredibly sorry for your losses, I am thinking of you, I am here for you, I will pray for you! I have been exactly where you are today, I get you. And… it’s not easy…Your heart will let you know what’s next. Lots of love to you! XO

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:54 pm

      thank you so much, kristin. i really appreciate it, and i am sorry you have gone through it.

      Reply
  30. Jessica | Petal + Ply says

    March 21, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    Oh Cassie, I’m so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers and please let me know if you need anything. Oliver would love to meet your pups if you’re up for some company.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:54 pm

      thank you, jessica! i appreciate that!

      Reply
  31. Meagan B. says

    March 22, 2017 at 4:31 am

    Echoing the thoughts of all the other supportive followers, I’m so sorry. It’s an unsettling and as you put it so well, a rerouting time. I’ve been there and it’s hard to even put into words how that feels. Honestly, I don’t even know how to effectively say I’m sorry because it hurts to think about your experience. You’ve handled it with grace and thank you for sharing – it’s often a hush-hush topic which compounds the grief.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:50 pm

      thank you so much, meagan. i appreciate your comments. XOXO

      Reply
  32. Paula says

    March 22, 2017 at 5:40 am

    My heart aches for you, Cassie. I’m sorry that you’ve had two painful experiences. I will be thinking of you as you explore how you will reroute your future.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:48 pm

      thank you so much, paula- i am thinking of you and praying for your health.

      Reply
  33. Kimberly Duran says

    March 22, 2017 at 8:09 am

    Oh Cassie, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in writing what must have been a difficult post. I’m so sorry for your heartache and your loss. Please take your time to decide whatever you want to do and give yourself plenty of time to grieve. You have such a lovely family who are so supportive and I’m sure in time, you’ll find exactly what you need to do to bring you all the happiness you deserve. Big hugs lovely one xxx

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:47 pm

      thank you so much, kimberly. i appreciate your words and outlook. XOXO

      Reply
  34. Emy says

    March 22, 2017 at 8:29 am

    Sending you so much love and peace, sweet friend. xoxo

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:46 pm

      thank you so much, emy!

      Reply
  35. Shelley | Crazy Wonderful says

    March 22, 2017 at 8:33 am

    Oh Cassie, I am devastated for you. I am so sorry. I get so lost when life reroutes me. Not that I realize the benefit of it at the time, but I always find something new I didn’t know was there before that wrong turn. And, I always get where I needed to go even if it wasn’t the path I thought I was going to use. Ugh, that sounds so corny as I read it back to myself, but I truly believe it. All of this will get you where you are meant to be. Even if it doesn’t make a lick of sense right now.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:45 pm

      it’s like deer in headlights syndrome, right? can’t move on but know i need to go somewhere!!!! your words make sense and i totally appreciate them. XOXO

      Reply
  36. Jennifer Griffin says

    March 22, 2017 at 8:36 am

    I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with these tough, heartbreaking things, Cassie. What a sweet family to work through your grief together! I know that God has good plans in store for you!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:45 pm

      thank you so much, jennifer… and yes,i am very lucky to have them.

      Reply
  37. Brynne | The Gathered Home says

    March 22, 2017 at 9:33 am

    Oh sweet friend! I wish I could give you all the hugs right now! I’m so sorry you have had to walk through this and face these losses! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your experience – I’m thinking of you and wish there was something I could say/do to make it better, even though I know there isn’t. Love you! <3

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:44 pm

      thank you so much, brynne! i appreciate it and love you right back.

      Reply
  38. Jamie says

    March 22, 2017 at 10:05 am

    I am so sorry Cassie. I have been down that incredibly painful heart wrenching road as well. I stopped counting after 8 miscarriages and just had to put my dreams of having any more children to the side. I am thankful to have my two children. Wherever your heart leads you know that there are others that share your pain and your joy. Thank you for having the courage to share with us.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:44 pm

      oh my goodness- 8… i can’t imagine. and yes, we are lucky to have the happy, healthy children we have. if nothing else, this reminds me of how lucky i already am.

      Reply
  39. Kathy Owen says

    March 22, 2017 at 10:22 am

    Oh Cassie, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:43 pm

      thank you, kathy.

      Reply
  40. Kathleen Haisten says

    March 22, 2017 at 10:31 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know whatever you choose to do next, will be fantastic! In the mean time, how about volunteering at a local animal shelter to take pictures of the animals for adoption, you’re great at that!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:42 pm

      i tried to do that and they kept failing to get back with me on a time… need to try another one when it gets warmer. i can’t take being outside taking freezing photos!

      Reply
  41. Carol @ CAD INTERIORS says

    March 22, 2017 at 10:49 am

    Oh Cassie, thanks for sharing such an intimate aspect of your life with us. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you journey through this crossroad in life… This was such a touching and heartfelt post. Xoxo.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:42 pm

      thank you so much, carol.

      Reply
  42. [email protected] says

    March 22, 2017 at 11:10 am

    gosh girl, You are so incredibly brave for sharing this and I know it speaks to so many of us. Love your heart.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      thank you so much, ashley.

      Reply
  43. classic•casual•home says

    March 22, 2017 at 11:17 am

    Your story is one that many women can relate to (myself included)… sending prayers and best wishes your way.
    Mary Ann

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:40 pm

      thank you so much, mary ann. XOXO

      Reply
  44. Delilah says

    March 22, 2017 at 11:34 am

    Praying for you. Thank you for being so transparent and vulnerable.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:39 pm

      thank you, delilah.

      Reply
  45. Mary says

    March 22, 2017 at 11:46 am

    I had my third (finally a girl!) when my boys were 9 and 12. I was 38. I had the same feeling, I knew all along I wanted three. I do not regret it at all, she keeps me young.
    I am so sorry for your loss of your babies. Keep praying and I’ll pray for you too. We never know what God has planned for us. If not another baby, maybe he has other plans for you.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 22, 2017 at 1:39 pm

      that is so good to hear… sometimes i think i am NUTS. 😉 thank you so much for your thoughts- i know there’s a plan but, man, i wish i knew what it was.

      Reply
  46. Carolyn @ Sweet Chaos Home says

    March 22, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    I have been out of the blogging scene for so long, but saw your IG post and had to check in on you. You have such a gift for sharing your heart, and I know your story will help others. I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies, and I will be praying for you. If it helps at all, I had my 4th child when I was 39 and have several friends who had babies in their 40s. Take the time you need and be kind to yourself. God has you on a path, and I’m sure he will send you the map soon. xoxo

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 23, 2017 at 1:12 pm

      thank you so much for that, carolyn! it truly does help.

      Reply
  47. Cassity says

    March 22, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    Love to you guys! I’m sorry for the pain, but I’m so thankful for the support you have from your family! Whatever you decide I will pray that you have peace!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 23, 2017 at 1:12 pm

      thank you so much, cassity!

      Reply
  48. amanda says

    March 23, 2017 at 9:26 am

    I am currently rerouting right now (a different path of my life than you) and the uncertainty is hard. However, I have been where you are and I will say that while the pain of lost children never goes away, it does subside. If you need to talk with someone that has walked this road, I am here. In the mean time, I have no advise for you other than to keep loving the husband and two children you are lucky enough to have with all of your heart. Hang in there <3

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 23, 2017 at 1:09 pm

      thank you so much, amanda- i appreciate it and i am so sorry for your losses. i wish you all the best on your rerouting, too… good things will happen.

      Reply
  49. Leslie Harris says

    March 23, 2017 at 10:45 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I suffered a shocking miscarriage when i was forty. I still remember the stark confusion over the spotting, the gentle words of my gynecologist, the drive home with my two little boys in the back seat while I sat utterly numb, feeling my husband’s eyes darting over at me. It was a powerful loss and after a few other unresolved losses from my twenties i just couldn’t fathom trying again. Back then i thought forty-one was too old to have a baby. Now i have such a different view on aging and life and yes, I do wish we would have kept trying.
    I think you have to honor your deepest feelings about the losses, take time to grieve and pay attention to your heart. The worst thing is to feel regret later on. Today i have two healthy, handsome sons, 24 and 22 and I keep my focus on gratitude for what i have. But from one woman to another, I offer you my sincere condolences for your losses, and positive prayers for clarity and peace of mind.
    ps I’m coming over from Cindy’s blog post, nice to meet you.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 23, 2017 at 1:05 pm

      thank you so much for that comment, leslie- it’s honestly just what i needed to hear. i am so sorry for your loss as well.

      Reply
  50. Revital says

    March 23, 2017 at 11:40 am

    Dear Cassie, So sorry to hear of your heartbreaking experience. One thing I learned from going through contrast myself, is to get distracted. Think of all things that are going well for you. When you focus on the good stuff, the pressure of trying to get pregnant may ease up, and may happen naturally. This is where trust and faith (in whatever it is YOU believe in) and the all-knowing universe comes in. I’ll understand if you aren’t ready to hear this…I wish you health,happiness, Joy and alignment. Tal

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 23, 2017 at 1:04 pm

      thank you so much…. i appreciate it and i agree… who knows what the future holds but i do know that good things will happen.

      Reply
  51. Cristina says

    March 23, 2017 at 4:22 pm

    Oh Cassie, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you, that’s a horrible experience to go through. I really admire how open and brave you’re. Just by documenting your story, you’re helping many families that perhaps are going through the same. Sending lots of hugs and having your entire family in my thoughts. The rerouting might take time, but you’ll find the path.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      thank you so much, cristina. i so appreciate that and i know i will…. i just need to be patient. that doesn’t come naturally to me!

      Reply
  52. Emily May says

    March 23, 2017 at 8:03 pm

    Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. It takes a special person to be vulnerable and open. So much love back to you and your family.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 8:02 pm

      thank you so much, emily.

      Reply
  53. Tania says

    March 23, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    I’m so sorry Cassie. I have had several miscarriages myself before I had my daughter and had just thought that I couldn’t have children and then I got pregnant yet again with her and everything was fine. I have also had some after her so I truly believe she was my only chance. Everything will work out how it is supposed to for you and your family, you are blessed to have such a supportive family. Hang in there!

    Tania

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 7:59 pm

      oh i am so sorry to hear that, tania, but so happy you have your daughter. thank you so much, my friend.

      Reply
  54. Sheila Irwin says

    March 24, 2017 at 1:16 am

    Cassie,

    First, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I’ve been through it as well and I know how deep the pain can be. And I also want to say how wonderful that you were able to express this and share it with so many – I don’t know that I would have been able to be this brave.

    I too, had 2 miscarriages, though I was younger, and as such, totally shocked by them. My first pregnancy was fine, totally normal and without mishap. Then I proceeded to have two back to back miscarriages before having my two other children. Just know that others have been where you are and it does get easier. My heart goes out to you as I know it’s scary and difficult to know what to do from here.

    Wishing you only good things Cassie, and thinking of you:)

    Sheila
    xo

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 7:57 pm

      sheila, thank you so much for that comment. i am so sorry that you have been through it, too, but so glad that you were successful after that! i think we will keep trying for a bit- everyone’s stories are encouraging.

      Reply
  55. Kirsten Cummings says

    March 24, 2017 at 10:13 am

    You are really brave to share your story and I think it’s so important to share stories of miscarriage so other women know they are not alone. I had one in the fall on my first pregnancy ever at 39 and it really helped to have other women share their stories. I had no idea that something like 40% of pregnancies fail, that is a lot of pain and suffering. I was devastated since it took so long to get pregnant but I decided to keep trying as the reward is worth the hurt. As hard as it is to lose a child I hope that the loss does not keep you from following your dream.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 7:55 pm

      oh thank you so much, kirsten! i am so so sorry that you have gone through it, too, and i wish you all the best as you move forward. i will say a prayer for you! XOXO we’ve got this.

      Reply
  56. Charlotte @ At Charlotte's House says

    March 25, 2017 at 10:05 am

    I read this on my phone the other day and keep meaning to come back and comment… you are amazing to share this with all of us. The levers of life are an enigma and when one is pulled, it’s amazing what happens elsewhere in our world. I envy the depth of your relationship with your husband and am comforted to know you have each other to navigate this fog. You bring so much light into this world and we are lucky to have you in our community, friend! xx

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      thank you so much, charlotte. i appreciate you and feel the same about you!

      Reply
  57. Doreen @ Hymns and Verses says

    March 25, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    Just catching up here and wanted to say that I’m praying for you, dear friend, that God would guide you through this time and comfort you on those hard days. I know you did the right thing by sharing this with your kiddos. It’s so good for them and you. Wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 25, 2017 at 7:50 pm

      thank you so much, doreen! i appreciate that! XOXO

      Reply
  58. Barbara Ann says

    March 26, 2017 at 11:04 am

    As I read your story what stands out to me is what these babies has done to your family. You and your husband are talking and discussing a future with or without another child. But going through this together. You told your children and I believe this will make them more caring & loving adults to see how to love someone when their hurting. And how special life is. And in my weird visions I hope to hear of a new baby girl soon. When God sends her. All will be right. Thinking of you. Hopefully you’ll find peace and joy. Your doing great. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 31, 2017 at 12:04 pm

      thank you so much for that, barbara ann. i appreciate it and i know we will find peace and joy and we all love each other pretty fiercely. 🙂

      Reply
  59. Stephanie @ Casa Watkins Living says

    March 29, 2017 at 2:29 am

    So sorry about this Cassie. I have to say firstly, that you have touched many by sharing your story. I unfortunately can not have any more children, not by choice, but because my second was so traumatic that I was advised not to have anymore. It is definitely a hard thing to deal with since in my mind I had always pictured myself having 3. But having the choice or a baby taken away is hard for any mom. Thanks for sharing my friend. Hugs.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 31, 2017 at 11:53 am

      thank you so much, stephanie! i am so so sorry to hear that- i didn’t know. it is hard when that choice isn’t there… but i do feel really lucky to have the kids i do. and who knows what the future may hold still.

      Reply
  60. Katrina says

    March 29, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    Cassie, I wish I could give you a big hug I hopped onto your blog this morning and for some reason was drawn to this post….your so brave and inspiring for sharing your feelings and whats currently going on in your life…

    I hope that if you and your husband have one more you’ll be happy and if you decide not you’ll be happy….I completely understand the longing of wanting to have another baby especially when you look at your kids and you love them so much and it just makes sense….those feelings hit me from time to time, the blessing is this has brought you and your husband closer and deeper together

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 31, 2017 at 11:52 am

      thank you, katrina! i know we will be happy no matter what. XOXO

      Reply
  61. Pamela says

    March 30, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    Oh Cassie, sweetheart I am so sorry. I had 2 back to back miscarriages after we already had two school aged children and ‘were finished’ (I thought) but my husband wanted another child. As we talked it thru He coame to the understanding that he would eventually resent me so I agreed. Then I miscarried twice. It was devastating! Even our husband don’t mourn like we do when we have experienced that sweet little life slipping away from our bodies. ? that was over 30 yrs ago and just know the healing takes place in layers over years as we have processed this together. He has apologized for not being as understanding as he should have been in the very tender time that followed our loss. I hated hearing all those stupid things people say when they are trying to console you! I will tell you that 30 years later I see how God has used that season of loss and confusion. Our daughter experienced the same thing and they were never able to have their babies through her body. We now have the most perfect adopted gran luvs, which of course are the children God intended for her all along! But so glad I was able to work alongside her though her loss just like others are walking alongside of you now. And don’t we all look forward to seeing those sweet babies once we get to heaven? May the God of all comfort bless and keep you and your family in the coming months/years.

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      March 31, 2017 at 11:51 am

      thank you so much for that, pamela! i appreciate your words. 🙂

      Reply
  62. Kate @Centsational Girl says

    April 6, 2017 at 2:31 pm

    I was so sorry to read about your difficult situation Cassie, you are strong, who knows what will happen but you will get through and be happy whatever comes your way. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be well.
    xo Kate

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      April 6, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      thank you so much for that, kate! i know we will. XOXO

      Reply
  63. Bre says

    May 5, 2017 at 10:03 am

    oh cassie I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’ve been there, and it’s something no one should ever have to experience. Praying for you and your family and that you find clarity and peace in what’s next for you <3

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      May 8, 2017 at 2:52 pm

      thank you so much, bre. i wish i had any idea what was next!

      Reply
  64. Kate says

    June 2, 2017 at 9:17 pm

    I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. Been there and, yes, it was shocking! But I just wanted to say YES to the progesterone. And, even if you don’t go forward with making a baby, if you are low, you will feel so much better supplementing. Changed my life!

    Reply
    • Cassie says

      June 3, 2017 at 3:16 pm

      thank you so much, kate! i just did the progesterone and lost a third this last week so who knows.

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Project Design Entry: Making the Most of a Tiny Cape Cod Foyer with New Lighting - Cassie Bustamante says:
    March 23, 2017 at 6:01 am

    […] of the love and friendship you showed me with your own stories and words of wisdom and support on my last post. You’ve inspired me, enlightened me, and given me hope, so thank you.  OK, now that […]

    Reply
  2. Hello Spring Porch Tour (AKA Come on Spring Porch Tour) - Cassie Bustamante says:
    March 31, 2017 at 8:32 am

    […] the door to the coop open all day so the chickens can pop in and drop eggs at any time.  And with recent circumstances, Chris and I like to joke about what healthy eggs our chickens have, so we’re glad someone […]

    Reply
  3. One Room Challenge Plans: Black & White Hallway and Staircase - Cassie Bustamante says:
    April 5, 2017 at 9:58 am

    […] have the budget for at this time (upstairs bathroom, I am looking at you!).  Of course, I also had dreams of creating a nursery space during one of these challenges, but I am not sure that will happen […]

    Reply
  4. Life Updates: Thoughts on Spending Less, Weight Loss, and Jealousy - Cassie Bustamante says:
    May 5, 2017 at 6:30 am

    […] a big hello to May this week!  Back in March I opened up about a lot of what was going on in my life regarding miscarriages and thoughts about my own future.  You guys were so supportive in sharing your stories as well as […]

    Reply
  5. Pregnancy After Loss: why it worked for us this time - Cassie Bustamante says:
    February 7, 2018 at 5:01 am

    […] pregnant for quite some time.  About 7 months later, I once again became pregnant.  We had just told the kids about the first miscarriage and that we were trying to have a baby, and they were so supportive about our decision and […]

    Reply
  6. How We've Made Our Marriage Work - Cassie Bustamante says:
    September 20, 2019 at 5:00 am

    […] to have another baby (and I can 100% tell you there are zero regrets from either of us.)  The road that followed was one of the most difficult I have traveled in my life.  Miscarriage after miscarriage broke […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recipe Rating




Hi, I’m Cassie!

I believe that you don't have to spend a lot of money to live a beautiful life and be your best self.  Here you will find budget friendly ideas to live happily, healthily, sustainably, and most importantly authentically.  We all get one chance at this life, and this ordinary girl plans to make hers extraordinary. How about you? Read more...
Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest Email Rss Bloglovin

Categories

Disclaimer

This blog does not share personal information with third parties nor do we store any information about your visit to this blog other than to analyze and optimize your content and reading experience through the use of cookies. You can turn off the use of cookies at anytime by changing your specific browser settings. We are not responsible for republished content from this blog on other blogs or websites without our permission. This blog uses affiliate links.

Connect

Hi! I'm Cassie.

Mother, wife, shop owner, blogger, writer, incurable diy-er, furniture painter, coffee and wine drinker, friend. Seeking happiness and passing it on. Read More…

Recent Posts

Privacy

© 2023 · Foodie Theme Customized by This Bold Girl · Built on the Genesis Framework