Forty-Three

Today is my birthday and that of the one who made me a mother. I am 43 and he is 16. I remember a younger college-aged version of myself, looking ahead to this point in my life and her vision of where she’d be. She’d be some sort of chief editor at a national publication, with two kids who were nearing college, still young and fit and working to take good care of herself. She’d have been married for a long time, looking forward to entering a stage of life that allowed more time for travel to all of the places on her dream destination list. Spoiler alert: It turned out nothing like that, but there’s not a thing I would change. Instead of imparting on you my worldly wisdom that has come with age – still waiting for that! – I thought it would be fun to share some of the beautiful ways life has surprised me, the things I didn’t know that I was looking for and have found.

Grey Hair is Foxy

Over the last year, I’ve stopped coloring my hair. At first, I was a little nervous and hid my grey streak with bangs, which some may debate are an atrocity worse than grey hair. (I’m looking at you, Chris.) But this spring, I made a big move. Or rather, my part made a big move to the middle and I decided to embrace that silver streak and let it shine – quite literally. Not only is it absolutely liberating to let it be, but I love letting it show. It’s a badge of honor that says, I’m getting older and I own it. Also, I value my time and I do not want to waste any either in a salon chair or in my own bathroom with a timer ticking by my wasted minutes.

Age Gaps Are Awesome

In my own kids: 20-year-old me wanted two kids before she turned 30. 38-year-old me changed her mind and decided to add one more to the mix. Wilder joined our family just before I turned 40 and he’s been a total joy to our family, except for yesterday on the mini-golf course when he kept yelling, “No, I do it!” and there was a line forming behind us. All other times, magic.

In my friendships: I used to generally stick with people from my age group for friendships. I guess I felt I had more in common with them, but how will we grow as people if we only hang out with others who are just like us? Over the last year, I’ve made lots of friends who are older and younger than me and they enrich my life in so many ways with their wisdom, energy, perspectives and acceptance of me for who I am. I really love having older friends who I can ask honestly about the weird changes happening to my body. Honestly, you guys, that alone is worth gold. Both older and younger, my friends I’ve made here in North Carolina have truly opened my eyes to what female friendships should be like. Friends should always make you feel supported, accepted and comfortable asking uncomfortable questions.

A Great-Looking Body is Nice, But Have You Heard of Cheese?

A huge change for me over this past year is dropping any kind of diet from my plan. I’ve been a slave to Whole30 many times in the past and, to be honest, it’s mostly been for vanity’s sake. I may have told you all it was to “feel better” but the feel better was probably more about feeling better about my own reflection than feeling better physically. Ok, not probably, it was. While I’d still like to look a little better than I do now, I also want to enjoy my life. I want to have wine and cheese nights with my friends, sample the baked goods that my neighbor offers us to try, eat not one, but two scoops of ice cream when I want it. Overall, I aim to eat in an intentionally healthy manner, but no more will I purposely cut things out for the sake of a diet. I’ve found I just overdo when the diet’s up. You know that saying, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?” I call BS.

Young Adult Shows & Books Rule

College-age me pictured my elite job at a magazine, so naturally I’d only be reading high-quality literature. Over the last year, especially since the pandemic had us all at home together, I’ve discovered a passion for YA television. I already loved YA books, but who knew the TV shows would hit me like they do? The Wilds and Never Have I Ever rule as my top two (both filled with teenage sarcasm that speaks directly to my dark heart). Other shows I’ve loved: The Umbrella Academy, Cruel Summer, Fate: The Wink Saga, Outer Banks, Locke & Key. Bonus: Watching these shows with your own kids will help bring you together and understand them a bit more.

Quality Alone Time is a Must

Younger me imagined a family where we spent so much time together, but as a busy mom, I’ve learned that quality alone time is priceless. Make the time to do the things you love doing just for yourself. Sometimes that means saying “no” to the people you live with, but that will only teach your children that it is OK to say no to something if it means saying yes to yourself.

Marriage is Much More Work Than I Ever Imagined

Young, naive me thought we’d get married and just live happily ever after in love. I knew there would be occasional arguments, but what I didn’t know is that there would legitimately be times where I would not want to look at my husband for several days. Why am I sharing this as a beautiful surprise? Because it’s the work that makes the marriage stronger in the end. And I’m always reminded that we can get through anything together and we’ll be better on the other side. Have you ever run a relay race or worked on a huge team project? The work those events take bring you closer to the people who share the burden with you. Marriage, in my experience, is the same.

No One Has it All Figured Out

If they tell you they do, they’re lying. I thought at 43, I’d have my life completely together. Instead, I’m just muddling through like everyone else. Once I figured out that no one else really knows what they’re doing either, it gave me permission to live confidently in my truth. There’s so much less of a fear of failing when you know that everyone else is just putting one foot forward and then the other with just as much of a clue as you.

No One is Thinking About You

Perhaps that sounds harsh, but it’s actually the most refreshing honest truth I’ve learned over the last year. The Leo and people pleaser in me loves to impress everyone. After leaving meetings and parties, I generally retreat to my own head and start criticizing every word I said, replaying moments where I probably made an ass of myself. The truth is, they aren’t thinking about me or the things I said. We’re all too busy thinking about ourselves. Stop criticizing yourself because no one else is obsessing over you like you are obsessing over you.

Before I leave you, let me also just say a big fat happy birthday to the one who first called me Mama: Sawyer, the greatest birthday gift I ever received. You’re funny, smart, big-hearted and make us so proud. I can’t wait to see where life takes you, but I hope it’s within driving distance because I’d miss you too much. I love you.